I cannot believe it has already been 4 months past my surgery. Four months after years and years of wanting to have surgery. I am currently down 107 lbs. That is astonishing, I couldn't be happier. People comment on my weight loss all the time, which I love and hate all at the same time. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable when the same people ask me over and over how much weight I've lost, I don't even know why. And yet sometimes I love when people ask!
I guess it depends on what type of mood I am in that day.
I feel like I've begun to find a type of peace with food that I've never, ever had before. Sure, I have more self-control now, because I have a tiny tummy that keeps me out of trouble, but I am finding myself disinterested in all the foods I used to obsessed over. I also like that people have stopped tip-toeing around me when they want to eat items I can't eat. Adam used to only eat fast food if I wasn't around, and he would then try to hide it from me. Now he asks me to pick up food for him on my way home from work!
I have also had a little bit of an epiphany. Recently, I have struggled with going out to restaurants because I eat so little, so to me, it feels like wasted money. I was talking about this with my wonderful therapist that I've seen off and on since I was 14 (fun fact, when I met her she was working at the same place I work at now). She talked about how I needed to just focus on the social aspect of going out to restaurants. She is so right! I think in the past going out to eat was all about the food and any socialization was secondary to that.
I also shared with her, that since I am still a fat girl, I feel embarrassed that I eat so little when we are eating out. I think the wait staff will judge me for being on such an extreme diet. Then it hit me, I used to be embarrassed about how much I ate, and now I'm embarrassed by how little I'm eating.
When do I give myself a break?
That was a turning point for me, I can't let food cause me so much anxiety anymore. That was the problem in the first place.