Holidays on Ice

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When I am reading a book, I highlight my favorite parts. These are my favorite bits from Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris:

"I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. So, if there is a costume involved, I tend not only to accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, “Thank you so much,” and thinking, You Poor, pathetic son of a bitch. I don’t know what you have but I hope I never catch it."

“If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?”

"But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.”

“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”

“Sallie (Fannie) Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison.”

“We were standing near the Lollipop Forest when we realized that Santa is an anagram of Satan..."

“I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.”

“Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.”

“But at the end of every show we would realize that true happiness often lies where you very least expect it. It might arrive in a form of a gentle breeze or a handful of peanuts, but when it came, we would seize it with our own brand of folksy wisdom.”

“Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.” 

"In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin.”